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May 18, 2017

Grief 101…Give Me A F*%$ing Donut!

Well, today was the 18th anniversary of my mom’s death. I always feel noticeably sad this time of year. This year has been no exception. On top of physical illness and other challenges, this lingering grief has left me with tumultuous emotions. I just want to talk to her one more time.

The gross disruption to my otherwise balanced mindset had me craving carelessness and deviation. I wanted to eat everything in sight and do things I don’t normally do. I wanted to live beyond the borders I keep myself safely within. I recalled feeling this way in the weeks after she passed.

“Give me a fucking donut! I said to my adult daughter, as I was explaining my deep need to be reckless.

She laughed. I was sort of joking…

I didn’t know where this came from, but I knew was real and demanded a reaction. Acknowledging it helped me to know that it was OK to be 100% human, to be flawed, and to happily stray from the plethora of rules written on the tablet of my heart.

Hilariously, because of my strict attention to having an exemplary diet, there was nothing “reckless” in the house to eat…damn. Of course, my daughter and I laughed hysterically over this… and then, with my youngest daughter gladly in tow, we went out to hunt.

Some people might call this self-sabotage, cheating, irresponsible, self-abuse or just plain stupid for a woman who deals with chronic autoimmune disease. Meh. I call it living… at least for this one day.

I needed this.

Ironically, after indulging in pretty much all of the things I don’t allow myself to eat or drink, I felt better than I have for a very long time. Truly, it would be a seamless fit for Alanis Morrisette’s iconic 1995 hit. And, I do realize that I could fall into an overindulgence-coma tomorrow. I’ll let you know.

Maybe you should pray for me… just in case.

The best thing about this day was remembering my mom and how spontaneous she was. I can’t tell you how many strange and delightful things I ate and experienced growing up with her in charge. She would hop up and say, “Come on! Let’s go try that new Chinese restaurant!” or “You want to go horseback riding?” Yeah, I had an interesting childhood.

The best thing about this day was remembering my mom and how spontaneous she was. Click To Tweet

No regrets. I want to be more like that. At least today I was.

BTW… after already indulging in a grande latte, a scone, gluten, dairy, and 2 glasses of wine, my husband brought home a chocolate cake that would have choked Miss. Trunchbull. But, holy mother of cocoa dreams, it rocked my world! This day rocked my world.

XO Kellie Rae


Kellie Rae
Kellie Rae
"I make no excuses for my diverse roles as a Rock Your Feminine Type Coach™ and Branding Expert, best-selling author, and crime thriller novelist. Yes, I do still chuckle a bit at the irony. I kick ass as a business transformer for badass women by day and kill off vulnerable fiction characters at night. What the hell, it makes for some interesting dreams. I believe that everyone should pursue their passions no matter how out there they seem to be. One of those pure heart-fluttering passions for me has always been writing. Since I did, indeed, chase my dream of being a writer, I've published two non-fiction books in the self-development genre and have another on its way, co-authored an international best seller, and have finally pushed my much-too-old-to-be-in-the-nest novel out the door and into the world. My whole world is empowering and I adore showing others how to live life unfiltered, whether I do that through the written word or my coaching work. I love my job!" ~Kellie “Ignite Your Ass” Rae


  1. I understand how you feel Kellie. I love your article because it’s raw, human and reaches deep into the feelings of grief. It never hurts to overindulge now and then. In fact, I think it’s time for a piece of chocolate cake! Cheers to those those we love who have shifted dimensions. We carry them always in our hearts….xo

    • Kellie Rae says:

      Thanks so much for your support, Debra! I appreciate that others understand how I feel. Each step we take on the grief path heals us and molds us into a greater version of ourselves. I imagined that my mom was right there with me, eating that cake and drinking that wine! Good times! xo

  2. LINDA Amato says:

    WOW… you rocked my world! I love chocolate caje

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